Please don't say these things to me...

So I have been thinking about having another baby. And in doing so I started thinking of all the ridiculous things people would say to me about how I look or personal things they would ask while making small talk. So I have complied a list of things you should not say or do in certain situations.

Let’s start off with the pregnancy:

1. By far the best was - “Oh, do they all have the same dad?” Are you fucking serious? Just because I have three children does not mean I am some kind of ho bag that sleeps around. And even if I did have 7 kids by 7 men, if I am a working productive member of society, what is it to you?
2. “I hope it comes out normal.” Again, WTF??? So do I, so does every parent for that matter. Way to freak me out and send my brain into “what-if” hyperdrive.
3. Never and I repeat never say to a pregnant woman, “You look great for the end of your term!” What happens when I am only 5 months pregnant, have 4 to go, and you just called me a fat ass. Not cool. 
4. “Your face isn’t that fat.” Seriously folks, never ever comment on a pregnant persons size, size of ANYTHING. Face, ass, boobs. And that brings us to...  
5. Oh, it must be a girl, look how wide you are.” Hoooolyyyy shit are you kidding me? Again, let me repeat, never comment on size, don’t allude, don’t imply. JUST DON”T.

Let’s continue on, my precious baby was just born and we are on our first outing. Most parents love when people ooh and aah about their new bundle of joy. However, with that being said we do not and I repeat DO NOT need your advice, and usually a simple - your child is beautiful will do.

1. This isn’t really advice, although it was my top pet peeve. Every time I heard it I cringed inside and wanted more than anything to punch you right in your damn face. “She looks just like her daddy.” Hey thanks for minimizing all I put into this pregnancy. The stretch marks, saggy boobs, nine months of uncomfortable. All for the sake of making a clone of her father.
2. “Should her head look like that?” WTH is that supposed to mean? Should your face look like that? Now I have to go home and spend tireless hours on the internet looking up head shapes to see if my kid has a tumor. As if I don’t have enough to worry about. Way to go douche!
3. This one is great too. Another “hey I am gonna stab you moment.” The baby is fussing and squirming and not happy with what you are attempting to do when a stranger walks up and says, “Would you like me to try?” Breathe, breaaaaathe. Repeat to yourself, I will not punch you in your throat, I will not punch you in your throat. Honestly, who the hell are you? You don’t know me. Why would you EVER say this to a stranger in Target? I kinda understand I look like I am struggling and you feel sorry for me or the baby, but now I feel like a failure. Thanks.
4. And one last thing. Don’t call my baby an it. She is a girl. It can be seen in the bows and pink outfits she is always wearing. If you want to know her name, ask what HER name is....NOT “What is it’s name.” Fucktard!

So my husband ends up cheating on me and we are divorced. Here is what I don’t want to hear...

1. “Maybe he will get an STD!” Thanks playa. Chances are since he was fucking some skeezer and myself at the same time, I now have this STD as well. That made me feel so much better.
2. “Well, you can always get a cat.” OMFGDESS what the hell do you expect me to do with that? Can my cat watch football with me on Sundays, or hold my hand, or most importantly - dick me down??? I think not.
3. Ahhhh and the best one, “I saw this coming.” HMMMM, do you think there may have been a better time to tell me? Like, before we were married, or when you saw something I didn’t? After the fact doesn’t do dick for me.
4. And here is one more. “Are you sure?”  This can go so many ways depending on the situation. Liiiike - “No, it wasn’t my choice.” Or, “Would I be doing it if I wasn’t sure?” And maybe, they aren’t sure and they have regrets, but it is what they felt was best at the time. DON"T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!!! 

So maybe you aren’t an asshole, maybe you don’t know how to act in social situations, or you like to put your foot in your mouth, IDK.  BUT I do know any of these responses in any of the aforementioned situations, makes you a grade A asshole who lacks social skills and likes the taste of feet.

So do you have any to add?

*p.s. Did you know you can find us on FB? We will amuse you there as well. City Bitch in the Country. 
*p.s.s. Thanks to Erica for a brilliant idea!

Peace out bitches!