I wonder

I wonder how you sleep at night...

I wonder how you look at yourself in the mirror...

I wonder why you portray me as the bad guy...

I wonder how you can dislike someone, yet give them your child...

I wonder who you think you are fooling...

All of the lies that you tell yourself, and others, are translucent. The way you pretended to be so concerned about the outcome, wanting to still have contact, the way you acted like you were giving of yourself, and that you were so distraught about the situation. 

Give me a break. You have called 3 times in 3 years. I know it was because someone made you feel guilty, or asked you what happened to him. Why bother? We know you, there is no need to lie to us. We know the gifts aren’t in the mail and we know you won’t remember to call on his birthday this year. I don’t understand how you can possibly forget when you gave birth to him. 

I now realize you made a choice, long before I was ever in the picture.Your actions tell the world you never wanted him to begin with.He served his purpose at the time and then you moved on to what you thought were bigger and better things with no regard to anyone’s feelings but your own. You say you left him for his own good but we know you just wanted to be free of responsibility. You didn’t want to be burdened by your own child. You, my dear, are ridiculous. You act like I am the bad person, blame me for your actions, and go on about how you don’t like me. But you gave your child away permanently.....to ME.....me that you don’t like, me who is with him every day, takes him to practice and games, taught him to read and write, feeds him, and gives him the love he needs and deserves. LMFAO.....you got me.....I must be a horrible person. 

You are a clown. You should form a drug habit so one day when he does ask about you, you have an excuse for being a dead beat mom. As it stands now, you are just a selfish and hateful person who masquerades as a parent. 

I feel sorry for your new children.....who will pick up the pieces for them when you repeat the cycle?

You may not like me, as if I care, and the world knows I do not like you, but I do love MY son.

Must be depressing to be so unhappy because of everyone else.....but smile, HE is, and we are forever grateful for your choice!

Did you know we have a FB page? You can should us out, no really, you should Citybia

Oh, and there is this super cool place for bloggers to go and make friends and get exposure. You should go there too! Lovelinks

Truth as I see it

Some truths...

It is ok to...want to punch someone in the face really really badly...now should you go around doing so? Probably not. That would open a can of worms you may not have anticipated, such as; getting your ass kicked or possibly assault charges...neither would be good. But I understand feeling mad at that annoying mom with 4 kids running wild, the lady at the register that won’t STFU and do her job, or that kid that picks on your child (yeah, kids aren’t exempt. Sorry) and REALLY, I mean REALLY wishing you could just bust them in the eye.

make mistakes...Every one does. Learn from it and move on!

want what you don’t have...That is what makes you excel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, be happy with what you have and all that sweet crap BUT sometimes, if you really want what the Jones have, you will work harder to get it.

come up above those around you...Don’t ever let anyone make you feel guilty for being better than them. And yes, some people are better than others. You can pretend everyone is equal but IMO that is bullshit. Some people want more and do what needs to be done to get it. Some people put forth no effort to better their lives but sit and bitch about how rough they have it. Boo fucking hoo! Don’t get pissed at me because me and mine have goals and make moves to bring them to fruition.

want your kids to leave you alone for 10 fucking seconds...I love my kids, but sometimes it would be nice to not have to be on 16 hours out of the day. Feeding, dressing, burping, answering questions. The only time I have peace is when I sleep and even that is interrupted to go check on the baby through out the night. Know what would be nice to do for 16 hours a day??? Talk to a grown person and drink lots of yummy wine! OHHH or go dancing! I love to shake my ass to some booty music ;)

really dislike your family...I mean REALLY not like them. I mean like wish that you knew a hit man and take their asses out not like them. Some people, no matter how hard you try, or how much you want things to be right, just aren’t worth your time. They won’t change, still make the same excuses, and stand by the same old lies. No amount of you praying, wishing, or hoping is going to change them. My FIN told me, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up faster." So very true! Let them go. Some people, family or not, are toxic. 

lie...We were all taught that lying is wrong, and it is. However, there are times when it is necessary to keep the peace or to just be a nice person. Kid comes home with the most retarded ass drawing you have ever seen. You have no idea what it is, do you A) tell said child, “Child, WTF is this crap? Did you draw it or did some handicapped kid draw it?” OR B) “Nice job! I can see you worked hard on this.” Hmmm? Hmmmm...see you lie too! Or you have a friend who comes to you with relationship problems (my recommendation, first and foremost, is to stay out of it!!!) do you say A) “Are you stupid? Those are definitely signs that he is out tappin’ someone else’s ass!” (because he totally is! Not coming home all night, not where he is supposed to be, etc.,etc.) No one wants to hear the truth, even if they ask. They don’t. If you want to lose your friend then tell the truth but if you value that friendship, stay out of it!) OR B) “He would never do such a thing, you are too wonderful.” Lie, lie, lie. You are better off! This is a good one I got from a friend, she says she fakes her orgasm so the sex will end. It isn't bad sex at all she says, she just has other things she wants or feels she needs to do. Bwaaahahaha! Funny yet sad. I would much rather have an orgasm than go do a chore! But hey, whatever works. It is a lie by omission. 

So just so you know you all have my permission to feel theses ways about situations, people, etc. There is nothing wrong with any of them and if you think there is you can bite me :)

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Failure as a parent

Be confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others & wishing to be something we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths & weaknesses, & it is only when you accept everything you are & aren't; that you will truly succeed.

So I found this quote on a friends page on FB this a.m. It got me thinking about what I see as my failures. I have a very idealistic image of what a mother should be. I have many friends who portray qualities I wish more than anything that I had. It makes me jealous. I compare they way they act with the way I act, what they would do in certain situations and what I do. I feel like a failure. A mother should be loving, touchy feely loving. Hugs and kisses until the kids are so annoyed at you they want to punch you in the face. A mother should be involved in everything, fun, playful, energetic, encouraging, patient...very patient, understanding, not mind “why” questions, be happy with the messes her kids make because they are learning, and never yell or lose her temper. Out of theses 10 things I think I have ummmm 3. And they aren’t any of the good ones. Which is an EPIC fail in my eyes.

I believe my ideal mother can be explained by my upbringing. I had an egg donor but not a mother. The qualities I seek are the ones I never had. My ED was minimally involved in raising me. She preferred to be out with men, drinking, or doing drugs. I was raised by my grandparents and my uncle. I knew at the ripe age of 10 that I wanted to be the exact opposite of what my ED was. I remember praying that I could be better than what she was, and do the opposite of everything she did because in my eyes I would then be a great person....

Fast forward a whole lot of years. I have 3 kids. Age 15 (going on 30), 8, and 6 months. To be completely honest with myself I think I am a horrible parent. I am NOT patient...I hate repeating things, and more than that I hate that my kids don’t listen, should know better, get yelled at, and I still have to tell them again whatever it was I had to tell them in the first place. SOOOO annoying to me. I am NOT understanding. Not at all. You forget your homework twice a week, every week since school started and I should be ok with this? I think not. I don’t care if it is only twice a week. You are 8. It has become a pattern...and to me it is lazy. You remember to bring home stupid stickers, books you don’t read, and pictures you drew while you were supposed to be doing your work BUT you don’t bring home your actual work....INFURIATES me to no end! I dislike messes. Everything has a place. Put it in its place. Then I won’t hear, “Mom, where is my __________.”(fill in the blank). “IDK where the hell your __________ is. I don’t use it. I know where it isn’t.....it isn’t where it belongs.” I am very sarcastic. I know, I know....sarcasm is for the weak minded...along with cussing. I am demanding. Probably way too demanding. Any of these traits would be bad enough but to have them all together is rough. My biggest fail is that I am not touchy feely. I am not that parent. IDK if it is because no one was that way to me, but I just am not. I want to be, I really do so very bad, But then one of the kids will do something that annoys me. Something I think they should know better, and then I just want them to leave me alone. It makes me sad. It makes me feel bad. I hate it. But I don’t know how to fix it.

I can be fun, and playful. Since I live in Bumpkinville, I have to search for something for us to do every weekend so we aren’t stuck in the house. We have fun then. And I am part of that fun. I am involved in everything - how they do homework, how they clean, when they can play outside, what they should be doing right now, sports, their friends, everything. Maybe to much so. I think I tend to micro manage. Do this, don’t do that. Put this here, clean this like that, etc. etc. BUT I am at every game and every practice. I cheer for the kids, clap, and scream their name. That is good parenting right? I also cook for them every night. And we sit together and eat dinner. Most every single night. Sometimes we chit chat, sometimes not so much, but we all sit together. That is good parenting too right? And I do love them, so much more than they will ever know. They are my everything. That's good even if they don't know it right?

I think by comparing myself to others I do myself a disservice, and possibly my children as well. I may not be a text book loving mom, but I do love my kids. I may not gush over them or shower them with kisses but I make their lunch every day because that is what they like. I may yell at them and be sarcastic when they ask a dumb question (yes, I know, there are no dumb questions) but I do kiss them every night before bed and send them off with a “have a great day, I love you,” in the morning. I think I will work on accepting me as I am and hope that it will make me a bit nicer and a bit softer....


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