Failure as a parent

Be confident. Too many days are wasted comparing ourselves to others & wishing to be something we aren't. Everybody has their own strengths & weaknesses, & it is only when you accept everything you are & aren't; that you will truly succeed.

So I found this quote on a friends page on FB this a.m. It got me thinking about what I see as my failures. I have a very idealistic image of what a mother should be. I have many friends who portray qualities I wish more than anything that I had. It makes me jealous. I compare they way they act with the way I act, what they would do in certain situations and what I do. I feel like a failure. A mother should be loving, touchy feely loving. Hugs and kisses until the kids are so annoyed at you they want to punch you in the face. A mother should be involved in everything, fun, playful, energetic, encouraging, patient...very patient, understanding, not mind “why” questions, be happy with the messes her kids make because they are learning, and never yell or lose her temper. Out of theses 10 things I think I have ummmm 3. And they aren’t any of the good ones. Which is an EPIC fail in my eyes.

I believe my ideal mother can be explained by my upbringing. I had an egg donor but not a mother. The qualities I seek are the ones I never had. My ED was minimally involved in raising me. She preferred to be out with men, drinking, or doing drugs. I was raised by my grandparents and my uncle. I knew at the ripe age of 10 that I wanted to be the exact opposite of what my ED was. I remember praying that I could be better than what she was, and do the opposite of everything she did because in my eyes I would then be a great person....

Fast forward a whole lot of years. I have 3 kids. Age 15 (going on 30), 8, and 6 months. To be completely honest with myself I think I am a horrible parent. I am NOT patient...I hate repeating things, and more than that I hate that my kids don’t listen, should know better, get yelled at, and I still have to tell them again whatever it was I had to tell them in the first place. SOOOO annoying to me. I am NOT understanding. Not at all. You forget your homework twice a week, every week since school started and I should be ok with this? I think not. I don’t care if it is only twice a week. You are 8. It has become a pattern...and to me it is lazy. You remember to bring home stupid stickers, books you don’t read, and pictures you drew while you were supposed to be doing your work BUT you don’t bring home your actual work....INFURIATES me to no end! I dislike messes. Everything has a place. Put it in its place. Then I won’t hear, “Mom, where is my __________.”(fill in the blank). “IDK where the hell your __________ is. I don’t use it. I know where it isn’t.....it isn’t where it belongs.” I am very sarcastic. I know, I know....sarcasm is for the weak minded...along with cussing. I am demanding. Probably way too demanding. Any of these traits would be bad enough but to have them all together is rough. My biggest fail is that I am not touchy feely. I am not that parent. IDK if it is because no one was that way to me, but I just am not. I want to be, I really do so very bad, But then one of the kids will do something that annoys me. Something I think they should know better, and then I just want them to leave me alone. It makes me sad. It makes me feel bad. I hate it. But I don’t know how to fix it.

I can be fun, and playful. Since I live in Bumpkinville, I have to search for something for us to do every weekend so we aren’t stuck in the house. We have fun then. And I am part of that fun. I am involved in everything - how they do homework, how they clean, when they can play outside, what they should be doing right now, sports, their friends, everything. Maybe to much so. I think I tend to micro manage. Do this, don’t do that. Put this here, clean this like that, etc. etc. BUT I am at every game and every practice. I cheer for the kids, clap, and scream their name. That is good parenting right? I also cook for them every night. And we sit together and eat dinner. Most every single night. Sometimes we chit chat, sometimes not so much, but we all sit together. That is good parenting too right? And I do love them, so much more than they will ever know. They are my everything. That's good even if they don't know it right?

I think by comparing myself to others I do myself a disservice, and possibly my children as well. I may not be a text book loving mom, but I do love my kids. I may not gush over them or shower them with kisses but I make their lunch every day because that is what they like. I may yell at them and be sarcastic when they ask a dumb question (yes, I know, there are no dumb questions) but I do kiss them every night before bed and send them off with a “have a great day, I love you,” in the morning. I think I will work on accepting me as I am and hope that it will make me a bit nicer and a bit softer....


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