It's a JUNGLE in here...

So we have three gyms in this town and I have been a member at all of them during my stay here. 

Anytime fitness which has no frills. It is fairly cheap, and very small. If you don’t need much it is great. If you have time to sit around waiting on equipment, it is great.

Next we have Golds. I’m sure you have all heard of it. It is basically Bally’s from back in the day. It is where you go when you want to be a creeper or you need some assurance and want someone to creep on you. Don’t act like you don’t know what I am talking about. The women go with full on hair and make up - pants so tight that their ass looks like it is having a meal. If you look as pretty when you leave as you did when you came in, you aren’t here for the work out, you looking for some sausage. Then you have the dudes in their tiny, tiny Under Armor shirt begging for attention by grunting and yelling, throwing weights around. I mean really, if they are so heavy that you have to throw them down, maybe you shouldn’t pick them up. Where do I fit in here you ask? Creeper or creepee....neither. It was cheaper than my original gym and it had child care. 

And then we have ACAC, the creme de la creme, Rolls Royce, Louis Vuitton of gyms. Why, you ask? Because, of the classes, the three different pools, warm water, lap, and activities. There is child care, and top notch child care too, as in, we feed, and sing, and have activities for your kids kind of child care. There is a cafe with free internet, a sauna, and most importantly, occasionally, Dwayne Johnson (you may know him as The Rock) shows up there. And that in its self, makes it all worth the ridiculous amount of money paid to go there. Just to stand near him and have his sweat drip on me {I kid honey, I kid. You know I love your dirty drawers and only want your sweat dripping on me (:} Seriously thought, he does show up occasionally and he is one of the nicest, most gracious, famous people I have met. 

But anyway....now I will share with you the worst things about ACAC. People with money feel they are exempt from certain common courtesy. Such as, wiping down equipment when finished. I don’t want my ass sweat mingling with yours. Ummm gross!They also have the need to use multiple lockers - seriously, are you moving into the gym? Three lockers? WTH? But the worst is the ones who walk around the locker room like it is their own personal bathroom. Aboriginal titties that hang to the end of their rib cage, belly buttons like wells small children could fall into and need to be rescued from, like little Timmy. But the absolute worst is the Hairydimplepala Beast. I walked into locker room to find a locker, look to my left, a bit too crowded. So I turn to the right and there it was in all of its glory. I was dismayed, I was disturbed, I was distressed. I would never get this awful sight out of my mind. In that one millisecond that I saw it, it was forever burned into my brain. No amount of scrubbing my eyes with bleach or having a bird with talons claw at them would make this go away. She was bent over blowdrying her hair. Her huge pale dimpled ass facing the entryway. But wait, it gets worse, far far worse. Not only was her ass staring at me but so was her fat ass twat, a very hairy twat at that. I mean seriously, can you imagine, it was so hairy that the hair is coming out by her ass. WTF??!! And in this day age of being fresh and smelling clean. Landscaping, waxing, making your bush into cute little shapes and what not. No, not her,not the Hairydimplepala Beast. She was au natural and apparently it has been growing since her birth. I wanted to kick her right in her fat twat and ask her if she was fucktarded! I mean really? You can’t put on some granny panties or wrap a towel around that. At least face the other way so that is not what people walk into. Good lawd woman that is nasty! 

So, the lesson I learned is to never ever walk into the locker room with my eyes up because when you have money, you lose common sense. Please for the love of god if you are a Hairydimplepala Beast or you know one, cover up, suggest that they cover up, better yet shave that nasty shit. FYI, you aren’t in a 70’s porn. Do it for your own good, your sanitariness, so your husband doesn’t get hair in his eye. Do it for us, the innocent bystanders who just want a locker.


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Peace out.  Citybia