My husband deploys on a regular basis. Every other year we are left to fend for ourselves and take care of each other. My son takes this to heart, does every thing in his power to be helpful and please me. While this is wonderful bonding time, it is also a bit disconcerting, you see my son is curious. Wants to know everything about everything. This can be a great thing, but as I said, some questions it would be nice if daddy was to answer.
The first time this happened my son came in while I was showering to ask me a question. These pop ins don’t bother me. I am not ashamed, nor do I want him to be so I don’t make a big deal of it. Plus with his dad being gone, an me needing to wash my lovely lady lumps within an acceptable amount of time, I figure he is going to pop in sometimes.
He looks at me and says, “Now, where is your penis?”
So I tell him, “I am a girl and we don’t have a penis. We have a vagina.”
I’m sure many of you have had this conversation. It is fairly normal.
He looks at me perplexed and asks, “Well how do you pee then?”
I tell him that that is what my vagina is for. He accepts this, prattles on about the movie preview he just saw and thinks we should go see. I tell him fine and off he goes.
Fast forward two years, basically same scenario, I’m getting out of the bath and he comes in. This time he just stands there and stares at me. Now, this makes me a bit uncomfortable. Normally he gets right to what he wants or needs and goes off to play.
So I ask him, “Why are you staring at me like that? Do you need something?” I’m fairly sure my nose is turned up and my face is looking at him like he is crazy.
“Well,” he says, “I was just checking to see if your penis grew yet. I thought it has been awhile since I checked, so it should be here by now.”
WTH??? He has been checking me for a penis? What does that mean? Does he sneak peaks at me in the shower? Come in at night and look under the covers? WHAT!?!?! I try so hard not to bust out laughing because he is totally serious. Apparently, I didn’t explain to him thoroughly enough the difference between boys and girls.
So I try again. I un wrinkle my face, return my nose to its normal position, and say, “I am a girl, I will never, ever, grow a penis. I have a vagina. Now. Always. And forever. And if I did grow a penis the Dr’s. would come and do experiments on me because I would be a freak. You are born with one or the other and that is what you have.”
His little eyes light up, “You mean like the freaks we saw in the Ripely Museum?”
“Yes,” I tell him, “exactly like that.”
“Wow,” he says, “ok.” And off he goes.
Ahhh but the best questions are yet to come. Daddy is of course deployed, and I am pregnant. The boy and I are sitting at the table having dinner.
“So, I guess you finally got the special hug, huh Mom?”
This is how people get pregnant in my house. The special hug. He used to ask for a baby brother or sister all the time, but his dad would be deployed. So I told him I needed a special hug from his daddy to get pregnant.
I smile at him, “Yep, I did.” And boy was it ever special!! Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder if not hornier!
“So, where do the babies come out?”
My stomach flops. I think, oh shit, oh shit, what do I say?! My face gets warmer. I curse my husband. He is never home for this! Why do I get all the hard questions?
I settle on, “Where do you think babies come from?”
It is safe. Maybe he already knows and is just looking for confirmation. I am pleased with myself...until I hear his answer.
“Well, babies come out of your butt, and they get milk from your vagina.”
WTF!!! Are you serious??? I don’t understand. This is not what happened in my mind when I asked him what he thought. His little face is, once again, completely serious. He truely believes he is right. Hooolllleee shit!!! My face is on fire, and I can’t help but bust out laughing. I am laughing so hard I am gonna pee myself. And anyone who has been pregnant knows this isn’t hard to do.
When I am finished laughing hysterically, I say, “What would give you that idea?”
“I saw it on Animal Planet, the show about lions,” he says very matter of factly. “The baby lion came out the mom’s butt and then it drank milk from her vagina. So, if that isn’t true, then where do they really come from?” he asks.
“Are you sure you want to know? It’s gross.” I reply. Totally trying to contain my laughter. He nods.
Although he won’t be in the delivery room, I will be breast feeding, so I figure now is as good a time as any to tell the truth.
“Babies come out of your vagina. And they get milk from your breast.” I tell him.
His eyes got as round as saucers. His face the color of a turnip. It was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Oh, to have had a camera and catch that face. Absolutely priceless.
“That sounds terrible,” he says. “I am so glad I have a penis.”
There is a man statement if I have ever heard one. Out of the mouth of babes.
And here I thought Animal Planet was a safe channel for him to watch on his own.
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