Please don't say these things to me...

So I have been thinking about having another baby. And in doing so I started thinking of all the ridiculous things people would say to me about how I look or personal things they would ask while making small talk. So I have complied a list of things you should not say or do in certain situations.

Let’s start off with the pregnancy:

1. By far the best was - “Oh, do they all have the same dad?” Are you fucking serious? Just because I have three children does not mean I am some kind of ho bag that sleeps around. And even if I did have 7 kids by 7 men, if I am a working productive member of society, what is it to you?
2. “I hope it comes out normal.” Again, WTF??? So do I, so does every parent for that matter. Way to freak me out and send my brain into “what-if” hyperdrive.
3. Never and I repeat never say to a pregnant woman, “You look great for the end of your term!” What happens when I am only 5 months pregnant, have 4 to go, and you just called me a fat ass. Not cool. 
4. “Your face isn’t that fat.” Seriously folks, never ever comment on a pregnant persons size, size of ANYTHING. Face, ass, boobs. And that brings us to...  
5. Oh, it must be a girl, look how wide you are.” Hoooolyyyy shit are you kidding me? Again, let me repeat, never comment on size, don’t allude, don’t imply. JUST DON”T.

Let’s continue on, my precious baby was just born and we are on our first outing. Most parents love when people ooh and aah about their new bundle of joy. However, with that being said we do not and I repeat DO NOT need your advice, and usually a simple - your child is beautiful will do.

1. This isn’t really advice, although it was my top pet peeve. Every time I heard it I cringed inside and wanted more than anything to punch you right in your damn face. “She looks just like her daddy.” Hey thanks for minimizing all I put into this pregnancy. The stretch marks, saggy boobs, nine months of uncomfortable. All for the sake of making a clone of her father.
2. “Should her head look like that?” WTH is that supposed to mean? Should your face look like that? Now I have to go home and spend tireless hours on the internet looking up head shapes to see if my kid has a tumor. As if I don’t have enough to worry about. Way to go douche!
3. This one is great too. Another “hey I am gonna stab you moment.” The baby is fussing and squirming and not happy with what you are attempting to do when a stranger walks up and says, “Would you like me to try?” Breathe, breaaaaathe. Repeat to yourself, I will not punch you in your throat, I will not punch you in your throat. Honestly, who the hell are you? You don’t know me. Why would you EVER say this to a stranger in Target? I kinda understand I look like I am struggling and you feel sorry for me or the baby, but now I feel like a failure. Thanks.
4. And one last thing. Don’t call my baby an it. She is a girl. It can be seen in the bows and pink outfits she is always wearing. If you want to know her name, ask what HER name is....NOT “What is it’s name.” Fucktard!

So my husband ends up cheating on me and we are divorced. Here is what I don’t want to hear...

1. “Maybe he will get an STD!” Thanks playa. Chances are since he was fucking some skeezer and myself at the same time, I now have this STD as well. That made me feel so much better.
2. “Well, you can always get a cat.” OMFGDESS what the hell do you expect me to do with that? Can my cat watch football with me on Sundays, or hold my hand, or most importantly - dick me down??? I think not.
3. Ahhhh and the best one, “I saw this coming.” HMMMM, do you think there may have been a better time to tell me? Like, before we were married, or when you saw something I didn’t? After the fact doesn’t do dick for me.
4. And here is one more. “Are you sure?”  This can go so many ways depending on the situation. Liiiike - “No, it wasn’t my choice.” Or, “Would I be doing it if I wasn’t sure?” And maybe, they aren’t sure and they have regrets, but it is what they felt was best at the time. DON"T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!!! 

So maybe you aren’t an asshole, maybe you don’t know how to act in social situations, or you like to put your foot in your mouth, IDK.  BUT I do know any of these responses in any of the aforementioned situations, makes you a grade A asshole who lacks social skills and likes the taste of feet.

So do you have any to add?

*p.s. Did you know you can find us on FB? We will amuse you there as well. City Bitch in the Country. 
*p.s.s. Thanks to Erica for a brilliant idea!

Peace out bitches!

Your kids....

SUCK!!! Or should I say YOU suck???

Here is the scenario. I am in Target and there is a mother with her children at the end of the isle. One in the cart and one running around this way and that. He was a very cute boy in his little grey hat and black puffy vest, but he was obviously the devil!  The boy who is 3 maybe 4 is running up and down the isle punching the candles and glade plug-ins either back into the shelf or onto the floor, making what I assume are his idea of fighting noises as he does this. The mother is barely looking up from her texting. “Stop it. Stop it Michael,”  she repeats like eight hundred fifty four times with absolutely no authority or emotion in her voice. With as much commotion as this kid is causing I want to kick him. And then I want to punch her right in her face for not being a parent and putting him in the cart or smacking his ass. Mind you I love to text. Love it. Will do it all day long if I have some one to do it with. But if my kid is acting like a damn heathen in public I am gonna smack him on his little ass, and then return to my all important issue on the other end of my phone. The little boy was really going to town and she barely even looked up. 

Scenario two. My kid comes home from school and wants to know how to show a girl he likes her. He is eight mind you. So I tell him, well you treat her with respect and be nice to her just like you do everyone else. Not good enough for my kid. “No mom, what do IIII do? How do I show her,” the sheesh you are dumb tone coming out. That obviously wasn’t the answer he was looking for. What did he want me to say? Hold her hand, kiss her good bye? Then I was aggravated. “Boy,” I say, “you don’t DOOOO anything. You are in third grade.” (That’s right. We are having this conversation in third grade) “Your job is to pay attention and learn. You aren’t at school to be having girlfriends. You are too little for that. You go to school to LEARN,” my sheesh YOU are dumb tone shining through. ***Here’s where it gets good though. “But mom, Blake had a girlfriend since last year. But she did cheat on him once.”  “Well when you move in with Blake you can do whatever his parents find acceptable. You want me to call them?” I say.....Are you fucking kidding me? Who is raising theses kids? Do his parents not tell him he doesn’t have a girlfriend? To have a girlfriend you have to be able to GO PLACES, have money to go to these places, be able to write a note that has coherent thoughts. In my house it will be least 8th grade and even then it will be group crap, movies, mall, etc...WTF??? And how do you cheat on a 7 year old? Hold someone else's hand, sit by someone new on the bus, share your ho ho with a different boy? I mean come on people, please tell me you don’t think this is cute and are encouraging it at home.  

I am much more tolerant of stupidity in other people’s children than in my own. I taught gymnastics for 3 years and it amazed me the patience I had with these kids, knowing full well if it was my kid acting that way we would be having a rendezvous in the bathroom. Yet rarely if ever would a parent come and correct their child’s behavior. That is where I learned the plus, minus, plus rule. When I have to discuss with you your child’s behavioral problem, or how your kid is an attention hog and holding up class, or can’t listen to save his life, it always began; “Your child is very enthusiastic, we love that, but.....” After your but you child is an ass, you follow up with some made up positive. It helps to sugar coat the criticism. I recognize it in conversations with others and it makes me laugh. 

The same goes for restaurants. You want to have a nice meal but there is a baby next to you that won’t shut up. It is screaming like a banshee. I feel bad for those parents. I’m sure they want their baby to be quiet. I know when mine is upset like that I do. They obviously aren’t having the nice meal they had envisioned when they left the house. So to theses ass holes who want restaurants to be kid free...that is called a bar. Go to one or open one. You will have a lovely kid free time but don’t make bullshit ass rules because someones baby is having a rough time. It isn’t like the baby is trying to make you miserable or annoy the other patrons in the restaurant. Something is wrong with it. It’s belly hurts, it is teething, IDK but seriously?

All these liberal douche bags try to make you feel like shit for spanking your kids. You should be friends with them not punish them, they say,  and all that other stupid hippie bullshit. What has that gotten us? A bunch of kids who don’t care, don’t listen, and don’t follow rules. They expect that everything be given to them and don’t want to work for anything. Good job people. Keep up the great parenting! 

What it all boils down to is be a parent to you damn children. I can guarantee that the world isn’t gonna end if you stop texting for 5 minutes to address your unruly kid. I can also guarantee that they will have more respect for you in the long run. Smack their asses if they need it. Teach them manners and how to follow rules. Teach them to be polite and respectful. Don’t encourage them to be older than they are. They are young and care free for such a short time. Don’t rush things.  And most importantly love them like every day is your last with them.

http://lovelinks.freefringes.com/2011/10/25/lovelinks-28-open/

Your actions, parenting, celebrities, social interactions...all annoying

Things that annoy the fuck outta me right now:

When actions clearly speak differently than your words....

Do you think I am fucking stupid? Don’t tell me you want to have a relationship and then take sides over stupid bullshit without even asking me what happened. That tells me you are FULL OF SHIT. Annnd don’t tell me you are “keeping it from me for my benefit,” when you know damn well you just don't want want me to tell you how you fucked up when you were warned repeatedly. I mean come on, you fuck shit up BIG TIME, and call me bitching? WTF do you want me to do about it? You broke it, now you fix it.

When parents put their kids on leashes....

IDGAS that you connect it to a fuzzy monkey or a puppy dog. You are making your kid look stupid and you make yourself look like a lazy douche. Conversation goes like this:

 A - “S, I’m gonna buy you a leash for your kid,” hahahahaha.

L - “I will fucking stab you. Those are for lazy ass stupid parents.”  *Insert very angry face here.

N - “I used one. It taught my kid to sit, and stay. It taught him his boundaries.”

L - “WTF is he a dog?!?” *Insert you are a douche bag look here.

This was a real conversation...a real fucking stupid conversation. People please for the love of God quit having kids and being lazy derelicts. Don’t put your kid in a leash and don’t put them in a huge ass dog cage in your front yard. Don’t you know the whole neighborhood is talking about you? 

When people are famous for absolutely dick....

Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner, anyone from a reality series (Big brother, 16 and Pregnant, and of those show with the people who have 854 fucking kids) SO FUCKING ANNOYING!

People in the store who respond with their life story when the cashier is just being polite...

“Hi ma’am, how is your day?”

“Well I live 45 minutes from here but it was such a nice day I decided to drive out her to pick up some things. I only do it once or twice a month. I always spend too much, even when I come with a list. Did you know there is alot going on in town today? I was thinking about going out to one of the fairs or maybe the book store. There is an author there you know”

No, IDK and I don't care. Quit looking at me and trying to engage me in this stupid ass conversation. I smiled at you what more do you want from me? You are finished checking out....move the fuck on. It is my turn now. I am all for being polite and small talk but no one wants to hear your life story. STFU and leave. Go do something outside since it is soooo nice. Go do something in town since there is soooo much going on....just get the hell out of my way.

Thank you for listening to this rave. I am sure all of you have experienced some version of these things. For that I am sorry. In a perfect world we could vote idiots to their own planet and only the best people would procreate. Alas, we have to hope that survival of the fittest works out somehow.

Diversity? Nope. Car shows? Nope. Big hair and cowboy boots a plenty...

More reasons I hate Bumpkinville....

There is no diversity. It is like going back to the 1940’s or some shit. All of the black people live on the “bad side” of town. All of the mexican people live in the trailer park on the far edge of town. Now given, I am aware some of the people choose to live where they do for financial reasons or whatever but the majority of them? I don't’ think so.  My son goes to school where there are no kids of “color” and I mean any color in his class. No black, brown, yellow, red, or polka dotted kids. It is bullshit and I hate it! How do you teach your kids about acceptance and diversity when they are raised with only white people? I don’t mind white people but I need some other people as well. People with style or people who ride rims :) People who aren't old and hoity toity or rednecks! Ooooh, people who can cook some bomb ass soul food mac n cheese....yumm!

And there are no car shows. I loooove car shows. Not those gay ass Japanese imports. That Tokyo Drift was RUH-TARDED!!! I am talking about muscle cars. Like an old Chevelle or Impala. Or an old Dodge Charger. Even better are the classic cars like the Thunderbird,  Bel Air, or Model A. Oh or a Caddy with white walls. Not to exclude the ghetto in me....I also love cars on rims, 22’s preferably, on cars with Lamborghini doors and ridiculously obnoxious paint jobs....SIIIIIIIGH! Oh how I hate it here!

You know what else I don’t like? Big hair and cowboy boots. Oh and lets not forget back boobs. Some day I will designate a whole blog to back boobs and camel toes. I don’t like them. Nope, I don’t. Not at all. I don’t like to look at people who have big hair, and I am talking circa 1980’s big hair. It makes me cringe and wonder if they look in the mirror before they leave in the morning. And cowboy boots? With everything? I mean I know we in the country but still -BLEEECH!!!!

I wanted to post some pics, but alas, I didn’t want to be obvious at my sons baseball game. So if you go to POW you will see why I am miserable. Those are they clows I am surrounded by all day every day no matter where I go.

Fake ass bustas

Today we will be visiting fake people...

First up is the douche bag in baby Gap....Tell me why you are pretending we are friends? Last time I saw you, you wanted to mean mug me and look as if you were gonna beat my ass (and you a grown man) apparently because I don’t speak to the mutual friend we had. She made her bed. Let her lie in it. Today however, you want to ask me how I have been and how our mutual friend is...how the hell should I know? I haven’t talk to the bia in two years. The more important question is are you bipolar or just retarded? Since we were never friends in the first place, and I only acknowledged you because she always talked to you. So lets just move on to the next phase of this “relationship” and do the head nod if we see each other in public...K, thanks.

Next...my “friends” on FB. Ooooh so much to say there. You know what I love about FB? Finding people you haven’t seen since high school, or friends, or family you have lost contact with but wish you hadn’t. There are actually people that I have caught up with that really make FB worth it for me. People I was separated from but shouldn’t have been. Family I haven’t seen since I was a teenager. People I love. Plus, since I live here with the Bumpkins, it is nice to get news and find out what the happenings are back home. But then there is the flip side. Seeing the ones that treated you like shit, and now are complete wastes of space or the ones who were thin and had money, so they were obviously better than you, but now they are fat ass hoosiers. I love it. It makes my day. But the best are the ones you find who go on and on about how they missed you and can’t wait to see you. So you make plans (which for me is a big deal. I live 12 hours from home. I get limited time when I am there, so when I make plans with you I am missing out on something with someone else) and then the time comes to go to lunch, or hang out, whatever. I call you and you don’t answer??? WTF??? I mean really, all that BS about wanting to meet my kids and me meet yours, all the phone calls, and then you have the nerve to not answer? You are a grade A douche. Oh but as soon as I get back to Bumpkinville you want to like my statuses and comment on my photos.....ummm can you say DELETE????

On to the next...the FB Jesus hypocrites. You know them. We all have them as “friends”. The ones that preach and put up their Bible verses. Praise God for everything in their status. Tell you to pray for what you need and God will provide and more word vomit. BUT THEN...the next post is about how much they drank or how much weed they just smoked. They post pics of themselves drunk off their asses, pics of themselves doing perverted things, and pics of themselves with blunts (not that I have a problem with drinking, smoking, or being a pervert. I like both drinking and being a pervert, at the same time,  a lot! I just don’t put it out for the world to see). Or the ones you know without a doubt are cheating on their spouse. I also like those who preach but their actions are so contrary to everything they say. Are you kidding? I just don’t get it. Keep in mind I definitely believe in God, heaven and hell. However, I do not preach one thing and have my actions say something totally different about me. I know my flaws and my faults. I half ass work on them sometimes but pray every night before bed. Am I perfect? Not a chance but I am also definitely not a hypocrite. 

I could go on about the “frenemies” I have made here in Bumpkinville but I will save that for a day when I run into one of them and they piss me off....

Till next time, I leave you with a quote I feel pertains....

Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another.  ~Homer